Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
