The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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