You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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