Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.