I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
