There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
