he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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