So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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