I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
