just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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