i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
