gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
