finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
