I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever