I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare