Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.