i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
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