i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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