2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
