Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
