Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
