In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
