Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
