I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
