I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
