im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You ruined the universe
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
