You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
