News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
