I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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