I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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