Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
