i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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