Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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