I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
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i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
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would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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