Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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