I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I touched a dick in church today