I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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