i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
