Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
