The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
