i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
