I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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