I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
