I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
