perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
