he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
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Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
God, I missed his penis.
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