final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
