dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
