I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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