better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?