my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her