So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
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yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
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After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?