Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
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He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
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And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.