She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.