Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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