Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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